From my weekly Advice Column on the HuffingtonPost.com

Dear Christine,

I just got broken up with . . . on FACEBOOK. Not even through a message or a poke, but the guy I was dating pretty seriously for the past few months and haven't been able to get a hold of since our last date (which I thought was great) just changed his status today to: "Single." How am I supposed to handle this? I have no idea what happened!

- Dumped in cyberspace, 26, Chicago

Dear Dumped in Cyberspace,

Ouch. First let me say I am really sorry - getting dumped is hard enough, but having it happen to you via a community website really pours salt into the wound. Although this might not help much now, know that you are so much better off without this guy. Anyone who is so cowardly that they cannot give you the respect of a phone call is not worth crying too many tears over. Forget him. Delete his number from your phone and "unfriend" him immediately.

Try not to take this too personally - many of us have gotten really lazy in the interpersonal communication and etiquette department thanks to the advances of technology. The internet makes it conveniently possible to avoid uncomfortable face to face interactions or phone calls. But that doesn't make it right. I've heard from far too many twenty-something who have either gotten or given bad news via their computer or phone. It has to stop. We're all still human beings and owe each other the dignity of not taking the easy or lazy way out when it comes to a conversation that may be difficult.

I've recently been on the receiving end of this cowardly communication style as well. Last week, I was informed via a very impersonal email that a project I've been working on for the past year was being withdrawn. No phone call. No pleasantries. Being "old fashioned" I guess - I picked up the phone. No return call, but I did get another email. After some huffing and puffing, I eventually just decided to let it go. What's the point of trying to communicate with someone who is hiding behind a computer?

So I am offering you the advice I gave myself. Although you may, rightfully so, be upset about the news and the method in which it was delivered - you have to deal with the truth and move on. And make a commitment to be in integrity with regards to your own communication. The next time you find yourself tempted to avoid an interaction via technology, pick up the phone or set a meeting.

All of us are becoming far too reliant on our gadgets and starved for real human connection. To anyone reading who has been afflicted by or is an afflicter of cowardly cyber communication, take a stand for human connection! Say no to being asked out over text messages, instead of "poking" a friend you haven't talked to in a year, pick up the phone, walk down to your co-worker or bosses office if you have an important question or concern, and for Pete's sake if you ever have to deliver bad news to someone, don't type it.

- Christine

Please send me your questions by posting them in the comments section below. You can also email me at christine@huffingtonpost.com

My Journey to "I Do"

On February 19th, 2006 I married Chris. I get tears in my eyes as I recall walking down the aisle to greet my future husband who loves me back with the same intensity I feel inside toward him. But this is not the first wedding date that I've set. I was supposed to get married July 17th, 2004 to someone else … but about seven months before my wedding my fiancé called it off. Unexpectedly. He simply said, “I love you but I don’t want to marry you.” We both were crying, but he seemed relieved whereas I was devastated.

I hit rock-bottom and doubted that I'd ever resurface. So how did I go from a self-loathing wreck to a blissful bride to be? In a nutshell, it took making the decision not to believe that I was a loser incapable of loving and being loved. What happened to my Fairy-Tale Ending?

After my engagement was called off, and I was moving out of the home we shared, I was a mess. Picture a typical heart-broken woman crying all the time, not sleeping, losing weight, pulling away from the world too ashamed to tell people what happened, and consumed with memories and thoughts of "If I had only done x-y-z differently, he'd still be here." I missed him, I missed us, and I felt like I missed out on the love of my life.

Through a series of synchronistic (and I believe Divine) events, I landed a book deal to write about navigating through the tumultuous twenty-something years. All of a sudden, I had to create something that would help others deal with twenty-something love and relationships.

I felt like a fraud…how was I supposed to write about love when my relationship just crumbled? Before anyone was going to take my advice, I had to cultivate good advice to give myself which meant I had to learn. First I reached out to my support system: my faith, family, friends, and mentors. I swallowed my pride and asked them to help me heal, but not by feeling sorry for me. I asked them not to talk to me about my ex, but about what they observed about me while I was with him. I wanted to learn my end of it, own what I had brought into the relationship, and determine what made me challenging to be with. Although most times I just wanted to throw myself a pity party and blame my ex, I knew deep inside that would not be the road to my recovery from heart-break.

After soul searching, and a few good reality checks, I realized my ex and I loved each other but we were not a match. Yet it still hurt. I longed for the familiarity and the friendship of our relationship. I was intimidated to date after four years of being in a relationship. I thought, "Good men are hard to find,” “I'll never find one like him,” ”There are too many rules and disappointments in dating," And “Who would want me, I am returned merchandise?”

Moreover, I was scared to fall in love because I believed I would be left again. These beliefs would have kept me alone and depressed. Fortunately, I shifted them by looking at myself, being honest about who I had been in my relationship, and really examining what kind of person would be a good match for me. In order to be capable of love, I had to learn to love myself. I had to learn how to be TRULY happy . . . alone.

I started taking myself on dates - to the movies, to dinner, even to a concert. I got comfortable in my own skin. I practiced being happy for other couples who I would see nuzzled together in corner booths or walking hand-in-hand. I began celebrating love instead of resenting it.

About six months post break-up, I was back in the dating scene forcing myself to believe that Prince Charming would eventually show up. Each time I'd get discouraged, I'd tell myself singlehood was fun, exciting, and what I needed to experience. But I still longed to fall in love again. One night, I decided to make a list of everything I wanted and needed in a mate. What I thought would be a few crucial things, turned out to be a 53 line item list. Hey, after hitting relationship rock-bottom, I was going for it – what did I have to lose?

My list was not the typical, "smart, successful, compassionate, funny, etc." I was extremely specific and honest about what matters to me in a relationship and what I am capable of giving. From losing what I thought I wanted, I was clear about what I really wanted and needed. After I finished the list, I lit a candle, said a prayer, sealed the list in an envelope and tucked it under my bed.

Two months later, my friend Jodi called with news that she met a guy, and when talking to him, my face popped into her head. Since Jodi knows hundreds of people, this got my attention. I agreed to meet him at a party he had invited her to. I arrived at the party at ten pm excited to meet this mystery man, but in a funk from a previous bad dinner date and painful shoes. We met, I was under-whelmed. But he asked Jodi for my number, I agreed (rather reluctantly) and he called me. We both gave bad phone and I had a feeling that Jodi's intuition was just off the day she met him. But he was persistent and we finally set a date for a Monday night. Yes, Monday and he still teases me about picking that day.

I arrived at the restaurant about ten minutes late because my pants ripped on my way out the door (which I interpreted as a bad sign). He was sitting at the bar and as he turned to greet me, my stomach dropped – he had my attention. We sat down and within five minutes, something in me shifted. I felt safe. I could be myself with this man and I was attracted to him too – not in a running in a field of sunflowers or fireworks booming kind of way, it was more of a tender and familiar feeling. After dinner, I asked him to get frozen yogurt. After yogurt, he asked me out for the following weekend. I was smitten – and so was he.

Exactly a year later he proposed to me in the most romantic and "me" setting. I said "yes" but this time, it was different. I was not only saying yes to him, I was saying yes to me with him. Part of my journey to finding the soulmate to spend my life with was the lesson my soul needed to learn from my break-up.

I think about my ex-fiancé often and how grateful I am to him for having the courage to end what was not right. It turns out my biggest heart-break was my biggest blessing. I did get my Fairy-Tale Ending.

©Christine Hassler2007

From my Huffington Post Advice Column 11/27/07

Dear Christine,

What are the expectations of me the first day and week of a new job? And then what are the expectations after three months? - Commenter Mr. Wampler

Dear Mr. Wampler,

Thanks for posting your question as it's a question that all of us should be asking of ourselves and our employers. Meeting the expectations of our job early on is important in any industry - from Corporate America to retail to childcare. It's dangerous to assume that an employer is going to clearly articulate everything that is expected of you; therefore, it's incumbent upon any new employee to inquire about and investigate expectations if you really want to shine. After you are offered a job, if exact responsibilities and requirements are not clearly articulated by your boss, just ask!

For extra advice on this topic, I consulted with my 30/20 Vision Podcast co-host, Alexandra Levit who is a career coach and consultant and author of the book They Don't Teach Corporate in College. Here is her insightful feedback regarding expectations of a new employee:

* First Day/Week: In your first day or even week at a new job, expectations are minimal. Focus on making a positive impression on the co-workers you meet, which includes dressing professionally and projecting an aura of confidence, enthusiasm, and respect. Get your online and offline systems in order so that you are prepared to begin working as soon as possible, attend any and all new hire events, orientations, and trainings, and follow HR's instructions to the letter.

* First 90 Days and Beyond: Have a sit-down meeting with your new boss to define concrete goals, and the recommended means to achieve them. Use these to immediately get busy making a contribution so that you have documented achievements to speak of at the conclusion of your three-month probation. If things are a bit slow, don't just sit at your desk and twiddle your thumbs. Read all you can on your company or industry, and ask your team how you can help. Join committees proactively so that you become visible within the organization, and look for areas where your expertise is sorely needed. Resist the temptation to jump in and take over, though, as your colleagues will be expecting you to fit their mold, not the other way around.

I echo Alexandra's advice, and also encourage you to observe your fellow co-workers and superiors in your first few weeks at a job. Watch how they work, how they communicate, how they attain goals and meet expectations, and how they interact in various situations. Assess who seems to be successful and effective. Notice which employees get the most attention and/or responsibility from upper level management. Those individuals are most likely meeting the expectations of their job so observe and learn from them, while continuing to develop and groom your own work ethic.

For more tips on being an impressive new hire employee, scroll down for this week's TIDBIT.

- Christine Hassler

***

Please send me your questions by posting them in the comments section below. You can also email me at christine@huffingtonpost.com.

*I'm currently accepting submissions for Chicken Soup for the Twenty-Something Soul. Click here for details.

Twenty-Something Tidbit excerpted from They Don't Teach Corporate in College:

The most important thing you can do at the beginning of a new job is pay attention. You don't have to be a CIA operative to harness the power of smart observation, and you should become an expert at keeping your eyes and ears open and mastering the corporate culture of which you are now a part. I know you're eager to let the company know who you are and what you're all about, but keep in mind that the most successful employees are able to effectively assimilate into their company's culture.

Do your best to lay low in the beginning. Take the time to study every aspect of your new company, including how people present themselves, how they work together and how they interact with executives, managers and clients. What are the written and unwritten rules of engagement? It's particularly useful to watch how employees conduct non-company business during the workday so that you can get a sense of how personal breaks, e-mail and phone calls will be tolerated. As you learn, begin to adapt your behavior and work style to suit the work environment.

Examine your company's Web site, annual report and recruiting materials for clues about its mission, goals, image and values. Is your company more focused on forging ahead in the market or delivering superior customer service? Is the culture guided by competition or cooperation? Is it more important for employees to be solely focused on hardcore business realities or to be well rounded in their professional and personal lives?

Remember that although the business world is the same in many ways, cultures vary dramatically from organization to organization. Just because it was perfectly acceptable to order snacks for an afternoon brainstorm at your old company doesn't mean your new boss will think this is an acceptable expense. Developing a good understanding of your new company's culture will unquestionably serve you well as you look for ways to make a contribution to the organization.

As Thanksgiving approaches, reminders to be grateful for what we have in life are upon us.  Practicing gratitude ALL year round is a key to sanity.  This holiday season, I am going to encourage you to take a conscious step to add an extra awareness to how you express gratitude. It is very common to list all the things you are grateful FOR or that you HAVE. . . health, family, the roof over our head, and so on.  But how often do your lists of gratitude include statements that are solely about who you ARE?  

This Thanksgiving, consider making a list of self-gratitude - spread some love to all those parts of you that are neglected, or shut down, or just not celebrated nearly enough.  Thank yourself for having the courage to look for a new job, being open to falling in love, showing compassion to your friends, practicing frugalness to achieve more financial balance, demonstrating enthusiasm by going to the gym, expressing creativity, or loving yourself enough to break a bad habit. 

Put the self-appreciating, "I am" into your gratitude practice.  Even bring love and lightness to the things you are not that fond of about yourself.  For example, I am not a very patient person and I criticize myself for that.  But I can bring light and gratitude to this quality simply by shifting my awareness to: "I am grateful that I am aware of my impatience and am practicing slowing down."

So start now!  Write your own self-reflective gratitude list - acknowledge yourself, your accomplishments, your characteristics, what you have learned, your willingness to make your first Thanksgiving turkey (that's one of mine) or even just the fact that each day you get yourself out of bed.  Self appreciation and recognition is not only self-loving, it creates a more loving energy field around you; thereby, attracting and radiating more love out to all the people and things you are grateful for. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Christine's website 

For the past five years, my life's work has been dedicated to "transforming the 20-something experience" -- starting with my own. At 25 years old, I was working as an agent in Hollywood. It was my dream job complete with fancy business suits, an office in Beverly Hills, and so-called "power" lunches -- all the things I expected as I slaved away as an assistant. What I didn't expect was that I'd hate my job - the job that was supposed to be my passion, but everyday felt more and more like punishment. At 26 I quit, with no real Plan B. After all, Plan A was supposed to work. For the first time in my over-achieving life, I felt like a complete failure. I went into massive debt, developed a body image disorder (if I couldn't be perfect, I darn well better look perfect), and sunk into a deep depression when I no longer had external successes to cling to.

The silver lining was my relationship with my live-in boyfriend. At least I had love in my life and when we got engaged I thought perhaps there was finally something to celebrate. So I didn't have the fancy, powerful career I was supposed to have - at least I had the ring and the date. But that twenty-something fantasy also fizzled when six months before my wedding, my fiancé broke up with me.

So there I was at 27: heart-broken, broke and on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Sure, my problems were minuscule compared to what others endure in a lifetime, but in my private world, they were huge. I felt like I was having my mid-life crisis at 26. A "quarter-life" crisis was my self-diagnosis.

I distinctly remember a day when I realized I had two options: put my tail between my legs, throw in the towel on my life in Los Angeles, and move back home with Mom and Dad to mend my broken heart and tattered wallet; OR, figure out how to get myself out of my "Expectation Hangover." Option A was a heck of a lot more appealing, but something inside of me knew I had to give Option B a shot.

How I did it became the stuff of my first book Twenty-Something, Twenty-Everything and inspired my career as a life coach, speaker, author and expert on the twenty-something experience.

I never could have imagined that the years of misery spent on my career path working relentlessly toward a goal I really didn't want would eventually lead to this destination. I wake up everyday to do something I love and feel incredibly grateful I get to do it. Never would I have thought that strained family relationships and health problems would lead to healing issues I had ignored for years. Today I am closer to my family than ever and healthier than I was as a 20-something. And I absolutely would not have guessed that being dumped and deplaning a wedding would force me to finally learn how to love myself enough so that I could love someone else in a way that would lead to marriage. In February, my husband and I will celebrate our two-year anniversary. 

My story is just one of the many stories that may offer encouragement, motivation, guidance and hope to 20-somethings during this life-defining decade -- and one of my current projects is to bring more inspirational stories to young adults. I am honored to be co-authoring Chicken Soup for the Twenty-Something Soul with Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen (HCI Books, 2008) which will be a collection of stories about the 20-something experience.

Some may say 20-somethings are in need of a hard-Knox dose of reality. Others may say the Gen Y and Millennial Generation bask in a sense of entitlement and they don't need any more encouragement. But from my point of view, I unequivocally believe they do. With stories about twenty-somethings like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton topping the headlines, it's no wonder that this generation has lost some perspective on what it means to be a 20-something.

I'm inviting you to be a part of this project by contributing a story from your 20-something experience or about a 20-something who has impacted you. You do NOT have to be in your 20s to contribute. Any inspirational, moving, or funny story about 20-something life (career, relationships, family, money, life lessons, fate, travel, risks, acts of kindness, challenges, coincidences, tragedies, and so on) is welcome. A Chicken Soup story will touch the souls of the readers and make them laugh, cry, sigh or just say, "Wow!"

I believe in the power of sharing our stories and in the impact we can have on each other when we do. Each time I tell my own, I am reminded of how life is often a series of questions - it's how we answer them that determine whether or not we arrive at our own "Happy Ending."

If you are interested in sharing a story for Chicken Soup for the Twenty-Something Soul, go to my website (http://www.christinehassler.com/books.php#chickensoup) to learn more.

 This Post Orginally Appeared on my Living Now Blog on The Huffington Post 

Lately I’ve been more mindful of things I am grateful for in life - and you know what I have been especially thankful for lately?  KINDNESS.  For the past three weeks, I've been traveling to speak at different colleges across the country and I have been moved by the kindness of strangers. Unexpected kindness and pleasant interactions with other human beings made my jetlag, flight delays and travel with a sinus infection far less miserable! I think the more attention and gratitude I had around kindness attracted more of it to me - - or maybe it was because I was out of Los Angeles! Regardless, being both the giver and recipient of kindness has been uplifting.

These random acts of kindness I encountered, like getting a double upgrade on my car rental just because someone felt like being nice to a weary traveler, got me thinking about this under-utilized human ability.  Why is it that so many of us forget to be kind to ourselves and to others from time to time?  Think about it -isn't it a lot easier, not to mention better for our blood pressure, to be kind both inwardly and outwardly?

Unfortunately, kindness isn't a habit for everyone.  Modern day life often encourages a "head down, every man or woman for themselves" mentality.  But like with anything else, we can make kindness more of a habit if we are just more conscious about it.  And the benefits we yield from being kind are endless and extremely meaningful.

Here is how Buddha lists the benefits of kindness.  He says, "if you are kind,

1. You will sleep easily

2. You will wake easily

3. You will have pleasant dreams

4. People will love you

5. Devas (celestial beings) and animals will love you

6. You will be protected

7. External dangers will not harm you

8. Your face will be radiant

9. Your mind will be serene

10.You will die unconfused

11.You will be reborn in happy realms"

Now doesn't that sound like something to shoot for?  Kindness is nourishment for our mind, body and soul – so drink it in and dish it out!