My Journey to "I Do"

On February 19th, 2006 I married Chris. I get tears in my eyes as I recall walking down the aisle to greet my future husband who loves me back with the same intensity I feel inside toward him. But this is not the first wedding date that I've set. I was supposed to get married July 17th, 2004 to someone else … but about seven months before my wedding my fiancé called it off. Unexpectedly. He simply said, “I love you but I don’t want to marry you.” We both were crying, but he seemed relieved whereas I was devastated.

I hit rock-bottom and doubted that I'd ever resurface. So how did I go from a self-loathing wreck to a blissful bride to be? In a nutshell, it took making the decision not to believe that I was a loser incapable of loving and being loved. What happened to my Fairy-Tale Ending?

After my engagement was called off, and I was moving out of the home we shared, I was a mess. Picture a typical heart-broken woman crying all the time, not sleeping, losing weight, pulling away from the world too ashamed to tell people what happened, and consumed with memories and thoughts of "If I had only done x-y-z differently, he'd still be here." I missed him, I missed us, and I felt like I missed out on the love of my life.

Through a series of synchronistic (and I believe Divine) events, I landed a book deal to write about navigating through the tumultuous twenty-something years. All of a sudden, I had to create something that would help others deal with twenty-something love and relationships.

I felt like a fraud…how was I supposed to write about love when my relationship just crumbled? Before anyone was going to take my advice, I had to cultivate good advice to give myself which meant I had to learn. First I reached out to my support system: my faith, family, friends, and mentors. I swallowed my pride and asked them to help me heal, but not by feeling sorry for me. I asked them not to talk to me about my ex, but about what they observed about me while I was with him. I wanted to learn my end of it, own what I had brought into the relationship, and determine what made me challenging to be with. Although most times I just wanted to throw myself a pity party and blame my ex, I knew deep inside that would not be the road to my recovery from heart-break.

After soul searching, and a few good reality checks, I realized my ex and I loved each other but we were not a match. Yet it still hurt. I longed for the familiarity and the friendship of our relationship. I was intimidated to date after four years of being in a relationship. I thought, "Good men are hard to find,” “I'll never find one like him,” ”There are too many rules and disappointments in dating," And “Who would want me, I am returned merchandise?”

Moreover, I was scared to fall in love because I believed I would be left again. These beliefs would have kept me alone and depressed. Fortunately, I shifted them by looking at myself, being honest about who I had been in my relationship, and really examining what kind of person would be a good match for me. In order to be capable of love, I had to learn to love myself. I had to learn how to be TRULY happy . . . alone.

I started taking myself on dates - to the movies, to dinner, even to a concert. I got comfortable in my own skin. I practiced being happy for other couples who I would see nuzzled together in corner booths or walking hand-in-hand. I began celebrating love instead of resenting it.

About six months post break-up, I was back in the dating scene forcing myself to believe that Prince Charming would eventually show up. Each time I'd get discouraged, I'd tell myself singlehood was fun, exciting, and what I needed to experience. But I still longed to fall in love again. One night, I decided to make a list of everything I wanted and needed in a mate. What I thought would be a few crucial things, turned out to be a 53 line item list. Hey, after hitting relationship rock-bottom, I was going for it – what did I have to lose?

My list was not the typical, "smart, successful, compassionate, funny, etc." I was extremely specific and honest about what matters to me in a relationship and what I am capable of giving. From losing what I thought I wanted, I was clear about what I really wanted and needed. After I finished the list, I lit a candle, said a prayer, sealed the list in an envelope and tucked it under my bed.

Two months later, my friend Jodi called with news that she met a guy, and when talking to him, my face popped into her head. Since Jodi knows hundreds of people, this got my attention. I agreed to meet him at a party he had invited her to. I arrived at the party at ten pm excited to meet this mystery man, but in a funk from a previous bad dinner date and painful shoes. We met, I was under-whelmed. But he asked Jodi for my number, I agreed (rather reluctantly) and he called me. We both gave bad phone and I had a feeling that Jodi's intuition was just off the day she met him. But he was persistent and we finally set a date for a Monday night. Yes, Monday and he still teases me about picking that day.

I arrived at the restaurant about ten minutes late because my pants ripped on my way out the door (which I interpreted as a bad sign). He was sitting at the bar and as he turned to greet me, my stomach dropped – he had my attention. We sat down and within five minutes, something in me shifted. I felt safe. I could be myself with this man and I was attracted to him too – not in a running in a field of sunflowers or fireworks booming kind of way, it was more of a tender and familiar feeling. After dinner, I asked him to get frozen yogurt. After yogurt, he asked me out for the following weekend. I was smitten – and so was he.

Exactly a year later he proposed to me in the most romantic and "me" setting. I said "yes" but this time, it was different. I was not only saying yes to him, I was saying yes to me with him. Part of my journey to finding the soulmate to spend my life with was the lesson my soul needed to learn from my break-up.

I think about my ex-fiancé often and how grateful I am to him for having the courage to end what was not right. It turns out my biggest heart-break was my biggest blessing. I did get my Fairy-Tale Ending.

©Christine Hassler2007